Monday, July 12, 2010

For Eul, not Yul

Helpless people bug the shit out of me. Please don't ever let me be the person that can't set the time on a random electronic device. Given instructions I can pretty much assemble anything. Youtube has a video for everything. Now I'm not saying I want to do it, I'm just saying I could if no one else is going to.

My Aunt Eul (pronounced yule, like yuletide, or Yul Brynner, and maybe my dad made me watch one too many westerns and that's why I know who Yul Brenner is and why every time I say Eul/Yul I feel the need to hum this tune Magnificent Seven Theme Song is a prime example of this at 86. Don't let the age fool you, she's been helpless from birth. Everyone should have an Aunt Eul. I've said this on more than one occasion, and those that don't are truly missing out.

She is the funniest person I know that has no idea that everything out of her mouth is funny. For one thing she can't remember the name to anything. She will however come up with an alternate that you will be able to figure out if you still have your secret decoder ring from 1985. She calls me up the other day and tells me she wants to go eat at USA Today. Obviously she did not mean to eat at the newspaper, unless she wanted to swipe some reporters lunch. My mind immediately started going through the list of what the hell she could be referring to and finally settled on a local place by the name of Crawfish Town USA. So I translated for her and she says of course that's what she meant. It takes years of practice to learn what she may be talking about.

She's also a hoarder. Not like the kind that they have on tv, no this is more like super preparedness. If there is a toilet paper shortage at your local Wal-Mart, you can bet that Aunt Eul is the reason behind this. She has a closet just for toilet paper. She lives alone. How much can one person need? Nightgowns are another rabid obsession for her. I swear she has 200. Silk, cotton, poly, rayon, flannel, printed, solid, long sleeves, short sleeves, sleeveless, short, long, mid length, you name it. The best part is that I do most of her shopping for her and the sales clerks are always giving me pitiful looks and are not buying that this floral patterned tent is actually for my great aunt. I'm pretty sure Prescriptives brand makeup went under because they were tired of manufacturing toner. I swear I bought 500 bottles of that toner for her. The women would see me coming and start emptying the counter. Yet, I've never seen it laying around her house. Probably selling out her back door.

The last best thing about Aunt Eul are her compliments. Just yesterday I went over to drop something off, probably a nightgown, she asked about my dress.

Her: (absolute first thing out of her mouth) How much did you pay for that dress?

Me: Twenty bucks! (proud because I thought it was a great deal on such a cute dress)

Her: Oh good, it doesn't look worth more than that. (making a scrunchy face like I stunk)

My hair is another thing she won't edit herself on. It's curly. She likes it curly. I pay stupid amounts of money on occasion to have it straightened. Here's how that goes.

Her: (shrieking) What did you do to your hair!!??

Me: I straightened it. You don't like it?

Her: God no, it looks ugly. (more faces like I stink)

So if you ever need a good game of clue, toilet paper, toner, nightgowns or insults, get yourself an Aunt Eul she's awesome.

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