Monday, August 30, 2010

Have fun and help

Found this over at Steam Me Up, Kid's place (see favorite blog ever to your left). First of all it is for a great cause, second it is a really good listen. I'm not a fan of most kids music, but I could really get into this. I can't wait to get it from itunes.
If you ant to learn more about the cause, go to

My favorite song so far is Morton the Caterpillar, but I have a habit of changing that the more I listen to a cd. Go, buy, download, dance!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Preparation is key

When people get mad it would do a world of good to have them standing in a room full of blow up squeaky bats. That way no matter how much they wanted to pound the inciter with a two by four, they'd only succeed in popping a few bats. Hell, they'd probably even get the giggles. "I'm gonna kick your ass!" *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* My point is that getting mad at the toy store would be much better than say the gun store. The equation is simple. Get mad + want to hit + need a weapon = grab the first thing you see. What did this week's winner grab? A scooter. He gets mad and the scooter is now in evidence. I have this mental image of some dude waving a scooter around his head and it's swiveling like a helicopter blade up there. You can't not look like a lunatic if you're wielding a scooter. Huh, maybe my toy store analogy wasn't so good after all. I swear if I see Mr. Potato Head listed as a weapon one day I'm not going to be able to stifle that laugh during the meeting.

I couldn't do this week's weapon winner without giving y'all some lagniappe. A local business that has had several break-ins decides that a guard dog would be a good idea. So they get themselves a boxer, probably name him Killer or Bruiser, and feel much better about leaving at night. Of course the thieves come calling again. Guess what the one thing they took was? Killer is now living a life of crime, no doubt wearing one of those awesome spiked collars. Irony can be so cruel.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Act your age, not your shoe size.

Repeat after me, "If you whack someone with it, it's a weapon". You may think that you are some innocent law abiding citizen, but as soon as you get mad and grab the nearest object to pound someone with, instant criminal. So in saying this, the weapon list is infinite. However, some people have a knack for choosing a weapon that will bring me great fits of laughter. I'm gonna let this weeks weapon speak for itself, and this time the story behind it is 100% true. Well, at least 98% true.

One High Heeled Stiletto Shoe. Oh yes, you read that right. One High Heel Stiletto Shoe worn by a drag queen cruising downtown heading to a local gay bar. Said drag queen runs into another queen and immediately suspects this person is sleeping with her man. Off comes the Louboutin, which we know is tall and pointy because you've never seen a queen in chunky heels, and she promptly whacks the bitch allegedly sleeping with her man...right on the forehead.

Now tell me, WHY am I never witness to something like this?

Monday, August 9, 2010

Blow Me takes on a new meaning here.

This week's weapon winner is from archive and really got me thinking. If I ever decide to commit robbery it's going to be big. I'm not going down for 27 bucks and a Kit Kat. It will be more like a scene from the Italian Job, and I would look just like Charlize Theron doing it. Here's how it won't go:

I decide that need some cash and frankly don't have any idea how to rob someone. So I start casing my local convenience store that has been hit on more than one occasion. This tells me that they have crappy security footage and no secret alarm system. I'm not a big fan of violence, I just want some money that is not mine. I decide against bringing a gun because I'd probably just end up shooting my toe off. I honestly think I can pull this off with my very insistent voice. It's go time, and I enter the store and assess the cashier. She's got a weave that has at least 4 bumpits involved and her nails are longer than her fingers, painted black and gold stripes. Two of the nails look pierced with hoop earrings. She's on the phone with someone who is apparently her "boo". Her head is jerking back and forth when she talks and the volume level is near shouting. I amble up to the counter and shout "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!"

Her: (to person on the phone) Guh, you gonna haveta hole on. Some beeotch is yellin at me.

Me: I said give me all your money!

Her: Who you think you yellin at?

Me: I'm yelling at you! Give me the damn money!

Her: Now how you gonna make me give you some money? You ain't got no gun, you ain't got no knife. Guh, get out ma stoe.

Me: I need you to shut up and give me all the money!

Her: I know you not telling me to shut up. You betta go check ya self.

Me: *thinking* I should have brought a fucking weapon.

Her: You gonna get out or what?

Me: No, I want your money! *reaches for the closest thing to throw at the cashier which happens to be a handful of Blow Pops and launches them at her head*

Her: **screaming bloody murder** You hit me in the eye!! You hit me in the fucking eye!! If you made my fucking contact come out I'm gonna beat yo ass guh!

Me: *thinking* I'm not gonna get any money here am I? I'd better just cut my losses and run.

I turn around just in time to see the city's finest pulling up. I'm arrested and put in the back of the police car. At least I'm not charged with robbery. Only assault with a weapon. If I had known the weapon would be Blow Pops, I would have risked the toe. "I'll blow your head off" will never mean the same thing again.