Monday, August 9, 2010

Blow Me takes on a new meaning here.

This week's weapon winner is from archive and really got me thinking. If I ever decide to commit robbery it's going to be big. I'm not going down for 27 bucks and a Kit Kat. It will be more like a scene from the Italian Job, and I would look just like Charlize Theron doing it. Here's how it won't go:

I decide that need some cash and frankly don't have any idea how to rob someone. So I start casing my local convenience store that has been hit on more than one occasion. This tells me that they have crappy security footage and no secret alarm system. I'm not a big fan of violence, I just want some money that is not mine. I decide against bringing a gun because I'd probably just end up shooting my toe off. I honestly think I can pull this off with my very insistent voice. It's go time, and I enter the store and assess the cashier. She's got a weave that has at least 4 bumpits involved and her nails are longer than her fingers, painted black and gold stripes. Two of the nails look pierced with hoop earrings. She's on the phone with someone who is apparently her "boo". Her head is jerking back and forth when she talks and the volume level is near shouting. I amble up to the counter and shout "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!"

Her: (to person on the phone) Guh, you gonna haveta hole on. Some beeotch is yellin at me.

Me: I said give me all your money!

Her: Who you think you yellin at?

Me: I'm yelling at you! Give me the damn money!

Her: Now how you gonna make me give you some money? You ain't got no gun, you ain't got no knife. Guh, get out ma stoe.

Me: I need you to shut up and give me all the money!

Her: I know you not telling me to shut up. You betta go check ya self.

Me: *thinking* I should have brought a fucking weapon.

Her: You gonna get out or what?

Me: No, I want your money! *reaches for the closest thing to throw at the cashier which happens to be a handful of Blow Pops and launches them at her head*

Her: **screaming bloody murder** You hit me in the eye!! You hit me in the fucking eye!! If you made my fucking contact come out I'm gonna beat yo ass guh!

Me: *thinking* I'm not gonna get any money here am I? I'd better just cut my losses and run.

I turn around just in time to see the city's finest pulling up. I'm arrested and put in the back of the police car. At least I'm not charged with robbery. Only assault with a weapon. If I had known the weapon would be Blow Pops, I would have risked the toe. "I'll blow your head off" will never mean the same thing again.


  1. Where's Kojak when you need him? Dead, I think?

  2. Kojak? Um, maybe still in the 70's? I wouldn't know.